It seems every organization, company and nonprofit group is conducting studies on the factors that contribute to healthy aging. So I launched a scheme that had been percolating for some time.
The first step: the filing of a fictitious business name—Radishiology International. Next, at senior centers I placed “help wanted” notices on bulletin boards and rounded up enough people for three separate studies. The first one I called the control group. The participants simply kept track of what they ate for six months. Group 2 received six radishes per day that were included in one or meals a day. Group 3 members also got six radishes per day along with the explanation that they were part of an important study that would determine how much radishes improved their health, sex life, and looks.
Group 3 reported amazing progress in all three categories, enough to rate an 83 percent improvement on my progress scale. Group 2 scored a 49 percent gain in their energy levels. Even Group 1 showed slight weight losses and improved sleeping patterns, for an overall 17 percent advance.
The participants were unaware of the Friedelbern Factor, the finding that people engaged in research studies invariably get their act together and produce more, lose more, or make love more often, depending on the study emphasis. It’s like the placebo effect.
Before the study period, I had purchased every available radish seed and invested heavily in radish futures. By month four of the study, my radish cartel was in place. You’ve probably read or heard about the profits made by growers and dealers of blueberries, broccoli, tomatoes, and apples after testing proved their efficacy.
Things started popping after I announced the study results. I hired all of the study participants to help process orders. A veritable Niagara of cash flowed in.
Then came Bilbous Squelch. “I’m from the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Radish Division, and I’m here to help,” he said as he parked his hand truck with three large boxes by my desk. The top box contained 978 pages of single-spaced instructions on interstate, intrastate and overseas shipment regulations. The middle box had 1,539 pages detailing the health and safety aspects of growing and shipping radishes. The third box had 1,752 pages that required information to be sent to 71 other government agencies.
It took less than six minutes to see that, like crime, a cartel doesn’t pay. I did recoup some money from the venture, and it’s doing fairly well since I invested in two of the leading paper supply companies.
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