Some older people think it is good to be lonely, because it means you have to get reacquainted with yourself. You go inside and ask, “Am I good company? Am I getting to know the right people?”
These realizations are emphasized in the book Positive Solitude: “We choose our attitude toward being alone,” says author Rae André, a psychologist and a professor. She provides verbal sketches of loneliness, such as when you’ve lost a loved one and solo dining lacks talk and soothing concern. There are “actions that don’t get reactions, gestures of love or need or hope that receive no confirmation.” As she describes it, you’ve lost the feedback cycle to which you’d become accustomed.
Her suggestion: “Being alone will become a positive experience when you learn to provide your own feedback. . .with satisfying emotional, intellectual and physical experiences.” When you adopt an attitude of positive solitude, “you learn that you are not really dependent on others for your happiness.” Your likelihood of finding happiness improves as you discover personal autonomy, peace and joy, André adds.
When lonely, some people turn to shopping, TV, eating, sleeping, drinking or drugs. Others may search for solace in a constant round of movies, plays, concerts, or drives in the country. A better approach, she says, is to focus on this three-pronged strategy:
1. Develop awareness—Look at your habits of, say, viewing soap operas or gathering with people who do not particularly care about you. Gauge them in terms of their healthiness and your self-esteem. Check out books such as Liv Ullmann’s Changing and works by Thomas Merton. Talk with people who seem to profit from being alone a great deal.
2. Change your behavior—Inventory the times when you are alone and feel bored, tired, hostile or excluded, André suggests. Then consider filling your feedback gap with activities and thoughts that, combined, are meaningful, healthful and pleasurable. You might pick up an old hobby, reestablish a previous tradition. “Anyone will adjust to being alone if given enough time, but mere adjustment is not what you seek. . .” she says. “Your goal is positive solitude.”
3. Explore your options—This is the time for looking within, André says. She refers to Scott Peck’s book, The Road Less Traveled, and its opening lines: “Life is difficult,” Peck declares. “Life is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them?”
André says you’ll need a conscious effort, a willingness to risk someone else’s ridicule. But it’s worth it. “To discover you are an interesting person is like receiving a wonderful gift,” she states. “A mental space opens up in your life for your own exploring and learning, your own being and becoming.”
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